Bellatrix Likes Pizza
by Giver of Doom
Summary: Hagrid and Harry are on a pleasent stroll in the Forbidden Forest. Then Voldemort and Bellatrix arrive and ruin their day. Can Harry survive a ferocious girl who refuses to give her name, the ghost of a broomstick named FloOb, and two boxes of pizza? ONESHOT.


**Hi, here's the NEW version of my old story Bellatrix Likes Pizza. It's okay, I guess. XD**

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Harry smiled as he and Hagrid walked along in the Forbidden Forest. It was a beautiful day for it, nice and gloomy in the shade. Even if it was forbidden. "What a nice day it is!" he said happily.

Hagrid smiled at him with big yellow teeth. "Yarr harr! Yews got dat righ'!"

Harry stretched, suddenly feeling tired, and said cheerfully, "I think I'm going to stand _right_ here for the rest of the day!"

Still grinning, his humongous friend said, "Yarr harr! Dat's a goooood idea!"

Harry yawned and leaned against a tree. Hagrid stomped around him, humming.

Hiding behind a tree and glaring at Harry, Voldemort hissed, "_Now_!"

Voldy and Bellatrix leapt out from their hiding place in front of Harry and Hagrid. Bellatrix smiled cruelly, cackling, "Look, it's that oaf Hagrid!"

Harry had been staring at the duo in surprise, but as he processed Bellatrix's words, he grew angry and protested, "Hagrid's not an oaf!" Then he paused and looked at his half-giant friend sitting on the ground playing patty-cake with a spider. "Um… I _think_."

Voldemort let out a short hiss of laughter. "And _Harry Potter_, too!" he taunted. "What a great find!"

Harry glared at the two Dark Wizards. He didn't reply, knowing they would only continue to bully him and Hagrid. Instead he looked between them into the Forbidden Forest, staring off into space.

"He's just standing there," Bellatrix said, puzzled. "How are we going to make him move?"

Voldemort bared his white teeth in an evil smile. "Let's kill Hagrid!"

Bellatrix let out a delighted laugh, exclaiming, "Good idea!" She quickly drew her wand and pointed it at Hagrid's feet. Searching for a spell, she made one up on the spot. "Uh… _Make-blue-fire-appear-around-the-Hagrid-dude-right -now-and-I-mean-it!_"

Tongues of blue fire appeared in a circle around the shocked wizard. Hagrid leapt to his feet and shouted, "Yarr harr! Not the fire! I'M GONNA DIIIIIIIE!"

Harry stared in horror, frozen to the ground in shock.

"The fire won't kill you…" Bellatrix drawled.

"…Nagini will!" Voldy finished.

In a flash, the monstrous snake slithered out from behind the Dark Lord and through the blue fire, untouched. Hagrid looked around in panic, but there was no way of escape. Nagini bit the half-giant multiple times, all while letting out short bursts of snake-like laughter.

In one last effort, Hagrid bit Nagini back, causing both of them to die comically together.

Voldemort fell to his knees, shrieking, "NOOOOO! NOT NAGI—" Then he paused, realizing something. "Oh, hey, Potter's still alive."

"NOOOOOO!" Harry shouted. "NOT HAGRI— …oh, I _am_ still alive."

Bellatrix turned to Voldemort with pleading eyes. "Can I kill him, Master? Pretty please?" she begged. She had been thirsting for some glory for quite a while.

Voldemort narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. "No," he commanded finally. Bellatrix drooped in disappointment. "Don't worry, Bella," he added hastily, "you can maim him, though."

Bellatrix brightened instantly. "Yay!" she squealed like a little girl. She turned and pointed her wand at Harry in glee, then shouted, improvising her spells once more, "_Maim-that-boy-like-throw-him-off-a-cliff-or-someth ing!_"

Harry felt an invisible force beneath him lift him up and catapult him off a cliff. "NOOOOOO!" he screeched as he fell. He braced himself for the impact.

"OOOOWWWW!" he shouted as he hit the ground. For a moment, his body was in extreme pain; then it faded as he sat up and exclaimed. "Hey, I'm still alive!"

Voldy's jaw dropped like a stone in disbelief. "WHAT?!" he shouted. "You fell at least fifty fee—oops, we live in Britain, where we use the (infinitely more sensible) metric system," he muttered, scrambling to remember his script. At last he did a few quick calculations in his head after cracking the fourth wall which will take forever for the author to fix. "So, anyway—you fell at least 15.24 meters! How did you survive?"

Harry ignored his nemesis's good question, instead focusing on something stupid he had said. "15.24? Where did that come from?"

Voldemort puffed up his chest. "I am an expert at math," he replied proudly.

Bellatrix covered her mouth to stifle laughter, earning her a glare from her Master.

Suddenly, from up above in a tree, a girl raised a stolen wand and pointed it at the Dark Lord. "_Herbifors_!" she whispered.

The spell shot down at Voldy's head. Momentarily distracted, Voldemort screeched, "AAARGH! MY HAIR!"

Bellatrix scratched her head in confusion, saying, "What? You don't HAVE ha—" Then she burst into hysterical laughter, screeching between convulsions, "YOU"VE GOT FLOWERS GROWING OUT OF YOUR HEAD!"

Up in the tree, the girl was laughing so hard she fell out of the tree. "Hahaha!"

Everyone's eyes turned to the girl. "Who are YOU?" Voldemort asked.

The girl, no longer in the tree, stood up, dusted herself off, and simply replied, "I'm me. Now shut up, Voldy."

"My name's not Voldy!" the Dark Wizard protested.

The girl sighed. "Looks like I'll have to do this the hard way," she muttered. Then she lifted a hammer that miraculously appeared in her hand. "DIE VOLDY!"

Voldemort glared at the little girl. "For the LAST TIME, my name's NOT VOLDY!" Then he smirked. "And you can't kill me, I've got horcruxes."

Now it was the girl's turn to smirk as she lifted up a bundle of broken horcruxes. "Not anymore… _Voldy_."

Harry, surprised at suddenly appearing in the girl's hand along with the other broken horcruxes, exclaimed, "How can you lift me up if I'm down there?"

The girl looked at Harry apologetically. "Sorry." Then, using the magic of magic, she dropped Harry back down the cliff.

"NOT AGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!" Harry screeched as he plummeted to the bottom of the 50-foot chasm. He landed with an awkward THUD.

Voldemort paled, if it was possible to get any paler than he was already. "Well, in that case…" He gulped. "AAAARGH! I'm GONNA DIE!"

The girl smiled evilly. "HIYA!" she screeched as she leapt on Voldemort and pounded him repeatedly with her magic hammer.

"Oww…. Owww.. ow… I'm DYING!" Voldemort gurgled dramatically. "NooooooOOoooOOOooooooOooooOOOOOoooooOOOooo!"

Then, with a last theatrical jerk, he died.

The girl rolled her eyes and cleaned the blood off her hammer. "That was easy!"

In poofed Lionblaze from the _Warriors_ and Ron Weasley, both holding and pressing the same Staples: that was easy™ button.

Lionblaze turned, confused, to Ron. "Hey! That's my line!" He tilted his head. "And what's with the ™?"

The author facepalmed, realizing what she had done. She shoved Lionblaze and Ron back to the LTW studio and Hogwarts, respectively, muttering, "I thought I promised myself I wouldn't include references from LTW in work anymore!" Then she erased the scene with the newcomers.

Bellatrix looked at the girl in shock. "WHAT," she exclaimed. "You… you just…"

The girl smirked. "Killed Voldy?" she asked, bending down to pick up the dead wizard's wand. "Yes. Yes I did."

"Who _are_ you?" the Dark Witch asked in awe.

"Me," the girl replied again.

"Can't argue with that," Bellatrix muttered.

The girl laughed, brightening. "Want some pizza?" she asked amiably.

Bellatrix's eyes lit up in joy. "PIZZA!" she exclaimed. "I LOVE PIZZA!" She ran over to the girl and snatched the box that had suddenly appeared in her hand and devoured it messily in six seconds flat.

"Well… I guess Bellatrix likes pizza!" the girls said in surprise.

Harry looked forlornly up at the girls at the top of the cliff. "Can I have some pizza?" he asked sadly.

"You can lick the grease of the box," the girl said snidely, throwing the empty box down to Harry.

"That's my favorite part!" Harry said, weakly trying to appear grateful so Bellatrix and/or the girl wouldn't kill him.

"How are you still alive, Potter?" Bellatrix asked, puzzled.

"Ummm…." Harry said in response.

"Well, he doesn't have the Deathly Hallows," the girl mused. "I've got the Resurrection Stone, and now the Elder Wand." She twirled Voldy's wand in her hand and tossed her original wand down the cliff, where it snapped in two. "Harry's didn't work very well."

Harry stared openly at the fragments of his wand. "You—you stole my wand?!"

"Yes."

Harry began to sob. "Waaaah! It's b-b-b-broken!"

As Bellatrix and the girl stifled laughter as they watched him cry.

Suddenly, a _whooshing_ noise alerted the girl and Bellatrix of an incoming broomstick. Only this broomstick had no rider. And it was also… a ghost?

Harry attempted to hug the broomstick-ghost, but found this impossible. "Oh, FloOb," the boy sobbed, "you've been like a mother to me."

The Nimbus 2000's ghost, FloOb, nodded sympathetically.

"WHAT," Bellatrix said flatly.

The girl looked at Bellatrix. "You say that a lot." She looked back down to Harry and FloOb. "That is WHAT-worthy, though."

Harry glared at them. Then he glanced down to FloOb and gasped. "FloOb! What happened? Why are you a ghost?"

"I died," FloOb sighed.

"Nooo!" Harry wailed.

"Don't worry!" the broom reassured. "I can come back to life if we get the Deathly Hallows!"

Harry instantly brightened. "Really? Sweet!" He glared up at the girl. "GIMME THE HALLOWS!" he screeched in demand.

"In your dreams," the girl scoffed. "And besides, you've already got the cloak."

Bellatrix smiled, getting an idea. She whispered in the girl's ear.

The girl smirked. "That's a GREAT idea." She looked back down at Harry. "All right, Gary Stu, you can have your Hallows." She tossed the Elder Wand and the Resurrection Stone down at the boy.

Harry snatched the Hallows happily. "Yes! Here you go, FloOb!" As soon as he touched all three Hallows at once (the Cloak was in his pocket), he died.

Harry's ghost leapt out of his body. "What?!" he exclaimed. "Nuuuu!"

The girl chuckled. "I guess _you_ just died, Harry."

"HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!" Harry roared in rage.

The girl sighed and shook her head woefully. "They are the _Deathly_ Hallows, Harry," she explained.

"What does that have to do with anything?!" Harry demanded. Then he paused, realizing. "Oh… So when I got them, their Deathly-ness killed me?"

Bellatrix stifled her laughter. "Most would have come back to life, at least if they were dead," she said, "or if they weren't dead, the dead person the closest to them would have, but not _you_."

"But WHY?!" Harry sobbed.

"I have no clue," Bellatrix shrugged.

"Probably because he's a Gary Stu," the girl smirked.

From a ways away, Bellatrix heard laughter. She looked toward where it was coming from and saw a bunch of Quidditch players tromping toward the clearing where all this was taking place. They froze when they saw the three figures.

"What—but—Harry!" Oliver Wood exclaimed.

The Harry Potter standing next to Wood's shoulder paled. "I'm no ghost!" he exclaimed, looking down at himself at the bottom of the cliff.

"WHAT." Bellatrix's signature word came pouring out of her mouth.

"Ahh, the madness," the girl reveled, a smile on her face.

Angelina Johnson looked from one Harry to the other. "Does this make any sense to you?" she asked the girl.

The Quidditch Harry gasped upon seeing the ghost of the Nimbus 2000. "FloOb!"

FloOb glared at his former owner, spitting out, "WHY DID YOU REPLACE ME?!"

Quidditch Harry took step back and hid behind Wood. "Meep!" he squeaked out, bumping into Fred behind him.

"Watch where you're going, Harry!" Fred snapped. Both Harry's glared at him, the ghosts floating up to the top of the cliff.

FloOb advanced on Quidditch Harry, snarling despite the fact that broomsticks can't snarl.

And all pandemonium broke loose.

The girl and Bellatrix quietly slipped away.

"That was amusing," the girl chuckled.

Bellatrix smirked. "That's an understatement."

"I guess so," the girl said, yawning.

The witch frowned, confused. "Really, who _are_ you?" She asked wonderingly.

The girl only smiled. Then she relented, sighing. "All right, I'm JK Rowling as a child. I have a TIME MACHINE!"

"WHAT," Bellatrix said, astonished.

"Want some more pizza?" JK asked, smirking.

Bellatrix pounced on the pizza box. "I LIKE pizza!" she exclaimed.

"I know you do," JK said smugly. "I know you do."

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THE END


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